Shadow, Suffering, and Art
Newsletter Archive | August 31, 2019
Hello fellow life-forms,
I am going through a period of spiritual awakening that is bringing me out of confusion and misery, into a deep and sustained sense of joy, purpose, and ease. I'm more convinced than ever that art, dance, music, passed-down-knowledge, playfulness, and human connection are paramount to our survival and growth as a species. Even when the world is burning, I'm still dancing!
Photo by Elena Sorokina
From Desperation to Discovery
Most political and environmental discussion I hear are a complete waste of time. The conversation almost never goes beyond insisting that those who voted for someone different are bad people who can't be redeemed from their hatred and/or ignorance. Often, folks are rebutting arguments their opponents are not actually making. The defensiveness, blame, and misunderstanding among us is heart-breaking and enraging.
As a society, and an entire human species, we have a lot to lose and we are losing it. (Listen to the podcast series "It Could Happen Here" if you need more convincing).
On a fundamental level, I have been contemplating death and life. I’ve been overwhelmed by my helplessness. The confusion I have felt has caused me to ask:
How can I address societal ills by dealing with myself and my immediate communities differently?
Hatred is not working for me. Judgement and righteous indignation is not working for me. None of these sentiments are working:
“This can’t be happening”
“Bad people are causing this”
“I am right and you are wrong”
Out of sheer desperation, I am letting go of my rightness. In this state of surrender I see our larger problems are exacerbated by the problems within each of us. Our:
Hatred for the other
and
Lack of self awareness
And before you feel off-the-hook: all sides of the political spectrum have this problem.
Disarming Defensiveness
We are wasting time defending our characters, our fundamental “goodness” and “rightness.” We have to disarm our own defensiveness (and learn how to disarm and tolerate the defensiveness others) if we want to be heard and to listen. I'm really trying to take personal responsibility for this and it is difficult. I realize that to sidestep defensiveness I can't simply say the right thing or posture in a certain way.
I have to actually dig deep within myself and figure out how to look at this person, and myself, as a valid expression of life who is doing the best they can.
It can’t be true that the people I love and interact with, who vote differently than me, are simply bad people. Holding to that conclusion is a dead end that has brought me a great deal of suffering and no results.
A Weaponized Shadow
Photo by Ana Harff
I have a dark side. Repressed thoughts, desires, and assumptions. Unconscious beliefs about who I need to be to be lovable. Childhood and societal conditioning that secretly informs my behavior and values. There is a personality inside me whose presence I deny and shame into the shadows. I don’t look at them and I try not to show them to anyone else. Sometimes they walk right up to me, in the body of another person, and I fucking hate them.
Poet and myth-scholar Robert Bly calls this our shadow. He argues that If we do not put in the work to integrate our shadows into our whole personality, to recognize our unconscious conditioning, we will continue to blindly cast hate onto others.
Anger and hatred can easily be weaponized by manipulative people. Politicians are weaponizing our own self-hatred and lack of self-awareness by offering us scapegoats. Excuses not to look at our own less-than-angelic selves.
Cultivating Compassion
Here is an interesting question, posed by Brené Brown:
Are people doing the best they can?
If you are like most people I've talked to, I'll bet you answered with a real quick and hearty, "Hell no!" Well, this may sound crazy (and make you angry) but I am arriving at the opposite conclusion. Each person, according to our own unrecognized conditioning is doing the best we can. Now, don’t read: “Every person is doing enough.” Maybe the best someone can do is simply not going to cut it, so you don’t hire that person for that job, or you establish strong boundaries with them.
Most caring people I know suffer greatly because they feel they are not doing their best and that no one else around them is doing their best either. What if I even applied this generous understanding to myself? I am also doing the best I can. When I hold this idea as truth I don’t feel the need to defend myself and I find that others don’t need to defend themselves either. We can get on with our communication because we feel seen as decent people first. If I take this idea to heart, I can escape my superiority and knee-jerk defensive reactions. I can turn my hatred into love. Maybe this personal shift of perspective is the first step toward societal healing.
Photo by Elena Sorokina
Easing Suffering
I am interested in the most effective way to ease suffering on a societal scale. I believe that to ease suffering is the purpose of life. (Our purpose is also to feed, fuck, survive and play. I don’t disparage that, either.)
I'm starting to understand that we hinder our ability to be effective when we try to affect change beyond our capability. Like learning to play the drum or training to run a marathon, if you try too hard you hinder the growth process. I am trying to find the middle way. With this in mind, I pledge to ease suffering as much as I can (and no more than that). If I suffer because I am trying too hard and not being effective, then I am not sticking to my pledge to ease suffering. I am also worthy of my compassion. I am also one of the people to whom I pledge to ease suffering.
Perhaps this humorous discussion between me and my friend Kimberly Larkspur will elucidate what I mean:
Art as Healing
All this personal work is unlocking new creative impulses in me. I feel unburdened by concerns over whether my art is good. Instead, I'm motivated by my desire to heal. Art is a way to integrate my shadow, to express ideas for which language is limiting, to ask questions for which there are no answers.
Art is a way to practice the state of action where I'm not trying too hard. The state where I am most effective and most at peace.
I started writing poetry. I don't know anything about poetry and I don't care. I'm just writing poems anyway. With the same playful spirit, I've been playing the drum and singing. When I release my concern over whether something is good, right, or valid I am able to improvise! (Improv comedy classes have been a super fun way to practice this state of non-hesitation).
"To Hesitation"
.
Stop this dithering
over what should be done
You cannot make a mistake
.
There is no good vs. bad
or candle to be won
and folly has its place
.
.
-April Rose
"Margaritas at the Mall"
Here is a funny and depressing song I like to sing. It's from the new Purple Mountains album (which was David Berman's suicide note). I'm disappointed he killed himself because I find art made by deep thinkers to be extremely valuable and healing, especially when peppered with irreverence and humor.
In addition to donating money, demonstrating, petitioning, and radically adjusting my consumption patterns, I am taking a look at my own shadow and challenging my compassion muscles (for those I disagree with and for myself). I'm not giving up because I still have hope for us. I wish you strength and joy in these tough times.
All humans are born creative. It's natural to us. Unused creativity is hurtful to us. Please, enjoy music, dance, poetry, or whatever else makes you feel alive ...
In solidarity,
April Rose